We know, an object has three dimensions (a) length (b) breadth (c) depth. Similarly, a human too has three dimensions: i.e. (a) his physiological make-up (b) sociological make-up and (c) his psychological make-up. The psychological make-up of a man is a compound of his physiological make-up and sociological make-up. Suppose a man has a repugnant social background, naturally his behaviour will manifest its effects. If a socially plagued man has a sound physique, his psychological make-up would develop according to that very design. He may come up in a militant temperament. He might prove a quarrel-some and ruffian. While a man with similar sociological make-up but having a pygmy size physique would least become a fighter because his lean structure shall not allow him to wrestle? Such people usually balance their mind or vent their emotions through resorting to sadistic tactics, like as tale-bearing, backbiting and other malicious actions. That offers their sub-conscious a sort of pleasure or satisfaction. They avenge people for their suppression taking recourse of such methods, though they may not be conscious of doing any wrong.
Virtually, psychology influences the behaviour and temperament of a person directly. The sociological makeup plays a pivotal role in the buildup of mind. So spousal conflicts, if continue, tells adversely upon the intellect and physique of children. Irritations, besotted temperaments and anger are the manifestations of the psychological disorders, which mainly develop by social conflicts and uncertainties. Every human sketches his image on the canvass of the subconscious of another person through his behavioural brush in a gradual manner, and after some time that very image becomes the actual portrayal of his character which talks. Suppose, we observe misdeeds of a person, thus he portrays an image in our mind of him being fraudulent, though imperceptibly. Now if in an hour of time such a person claims to have truly discharged a good deed, sounds us unbelievable because his image already sketched in our mind may not approve his claim. Even if we witness him doing a good deed, that too gets shadowed by suspicions! So, if a man possesses mean and bad qualities, he would certainly develop the same image in others mind. Now if a man carries praiseworthy adjectives, he makes likewise image in other’s mind. It is a universal truth that love begets love and kindness begets kindness. But this needs to be born in mind that to mitigate oneself from the bad qualities and develop good ones is not an easy task. It needs a will, endeavour and head fastness and training to get rid of stingy qualities and develop pleasing and palatable qualities.
In light of the above facts, it can easily be understood that the attitude of a man is influenced by his character and mentality, and this attitude and behaviour plays a main, even to say a pivotal, role in making the spousal relations pleasant or frictional!
Some analysts say that where domesticity loses its equilibrium, conflicts take place. As a consequence petty disputes get stretched to major feuds. The big problem in the spousal relations arises as a result of a disorder in balance wheel. If both spouses are well matured and brought up in the right way, they attach less significance to usual clashes and make them marginalized intelligently. If some encounter between the two takes place, they just after a brief lull resort to some other topic and dodge a feud.
It is commonly said that two pots usually make a knocking sound. But if spousal frictions are allowed to prolong, petty matters turn complicated. It has been observed that the impatient, immature and peevish people with their peculiar psychic order and psychological make – up turn a mock hill of the minor brawl to a mountain of wrangle.
As earlier described there are multiple causes of spousal frictions. Different theories are interpreted about these conflicts. Some people say that emotional attachment of mother and son lessens after the marriage of a boy and it too becomes a reason to a conflict. It is but natural that there is some amount of emotional change after the marriage of a boy, and a mother might feel some change in the attachment between her and son comparing it to pre marriage period. Some sort of imperceptible jealous sentiment emerges both in mother and her daughter – in law which afterwards takes a form of visible frictions, and spouses get entangled in this net. Misunderstandings develop and frictions intensify. But where spouses are mentally matured and their psychological make – up is better, they prove much capable to control this nuisance.
Usually, we discover some sycophant and self-imposed mediator to intervene in the spousal feuds and instead of doing something to assuage the ruffled feelings, he intentionally or unintentionally amplifies them. I call these people ‘mobile envoys’. These sycophants and flatterers poke their nose in other’s affairs and instead of endeavouring for a patch up, make situations so complicated that divorce remains the only alternative. Apparently, these flatterers and self-styled mediators pretend to be more sympathetic to the concerned ‘party’ but virtually convert a minor squabble to serious hostilities by interpreting one’s statement to another in different tones and connotation. Actually, such people suffer from inferiority complex. They try to sketch their portrait as a great knowledgeable man while intruding into the affairs of others. They give a garbled version to an interchange of words and unfairly create false impressions, so sentiments are incited and feeling of both the parties kindled.
In short, one can say that misunderstandings, suspicions and misapprehensions take birth in the minds of husband and wife. Hatred lits a spark in the minds of both the sides, then gradually it flares up and turns to a blaze. Fire spitting starts, divorce remains the only option. Even a dispute is settled and relations patched up, in that case too, broken hearts find it difficult to put together. Doubts and bitterness last for a long. In case, both the spouses would try to repose confidence in the opposite sex and refresh their love and affection, then there remain chances for the revival of mutual confidence and love again.
Almost following are the main reasons which play a role to develop a dispute or friction.
- To doubt each other without any concrete rhyme and reason.
- Rely on baseless assertions.
- Whimsical attitude
- Belief on presumptions.
- Blind trust in irresponsible and imprudent person’s versions.
- Suspicions on mere guesses.
- Lack of confidence on each other.
Lack of knowledge about ‘physical intimacy’ too causes serious differences between a couple. It sounds sad that Islamic scholars have not done much work in bringing out reasonably literature on sex. As a result, Muslims too have been seen negligent about lawful and prohibited exercises. There needs to be done more in educating the people about sex in the context of Islam, so that circumspection is observed while performing it. Long ago, one day I heard an Islamic scholar/preacher urging people to shape their lives in accordance with Sunnah and adoption of it in every deed. As he said, this is the real way of the purification process. After the congregation was over, I went to this venerable person and enquired about some book that could guide about performing sex in the context of Islam. He was a little nervous on my question. But he assured me to tell about it later. I am sorry to say that he could not do that.
It is no more a hidden fact that males get misguided by vulgar and cheap sex-manuals and then go for brazen performance during sexual copulation and make the wife troubled through their misadventures. Even, some Muslims do not know that intercourse is prohibited during menstruation of woman.
During the times of Prophet Mohammad (SAW), women would ask questions about matrimonial problems and were given the answers. When it was not deemed a shame at that time, how could it be assumed an act of guilt today? It looks ridiculous when someone cries out against sex education. Instead, Muslim scholars need to make the people aware of the guidance what is given by the great reformer (SAW) in this regard. So that people in general and Muslims in particular, are not misguided by bad and shameful material available on this subject. Since people feel shy to inquire about sex-related matters from Ulema, so it is absolutely imperative that exhaustive material is brought out on this subject and people, especially, our youth is offered proper guidance.
Marital relation must not be narrowed down to just animal instinct and should be viewed in a sacred perspective and a bond of partnership. Islam provides answers to all aspects of life. So, it has a focus on this vital subject too.The most tragic and ugly side of our culture is shyness in genuine expressions. People, men and women equally, suffer some crucial sex problems but feel shy in telling them to medicos, as a consequence their life turns hell for them. Even the majority of our doctors are not properly educated in this regard and do not encourage people to feel free in telling them such problems. It is a sorry of affairs that our maximum religious leaders and many doctors as well, have made our cultural atmosphere so suffocative that in this part of land sex problem has become guilt. This has resulted in depressions and other psychological problems. Sometimes, because of this feeling of guilt, a friend treats another friend with his/her own ‘prescriptions’, which too cause serious consequences. When it comes to sex education, Indian families aren’t of much help to youngsters who are forced to rely on websites, friends and books for advice on sex. An alarming fact came out of the readings. More women feel pressured to use drugs and alcohol to perform better sexually. The same applied to married men and women.
Nazir Jahangir is a freelance writer
