The Un-examined Life is not worth Living …
By Noor UL Shahbaz
Life is a journey, and each person is on a different path with different thoughts, feelings, experiences, profession, spirituality, etc. It’s not for anyone to judge another, but to accept them and encourage and love them as much as possible. We all struggle at some level with living up to the expectations of others. It begins from the time we are born. First, our parents establish rules for how we should behave. When we go to school, we have educational standards and goals to live up to, and we can only advance to the next grade when we meet them. When we get a job, our employers expect certain things of us. Eventually, we learn to develop our own expectations of how others should behave. We take these expectations into our relationships with our spouses, we impose them on our children and the cycle continues. Expectations aren’t bad in and of themselves; we all have them. They are a natural part of life.
The problem arises when we place too much weight on the expectations of others, to the point that we start living for their approval. We get lost somewhere between the way others see us and who we really are. Living a life solely on expectations that others will do this and that for us can be harmful. Expectations are unavoidable, but when we internalize them the wrong way, it can affect us negatively in a number of ways: Firstly, it can breed anger and resentment. The saying goes: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” It doesn’t just breed resentment in the person whose expectations we fail to meet; it breeds resentment in us, as well. When we deny our own desires in favor of the expectations of others, we are prone to become resentful or angry. Secondly, it can cripple our own ability to make decisions. When we allow the voices of others to drown out what we want for ourselves, we lose the ability to have an opinion, and our self-esteem plummets. Thirdly, it can lead to mental health issues like depression. Psychologist Lara Honos-Webb, says living a life driven by a need for approval leads to inner conflict and ultimately depression.
“The more conflicted you feel, the more afraid you become of expressing your real self,” she says. “As a result, you may drive your feelings deeper underground.” So, we must manage our life and don’t let others’ expectations define how we should live. Expectations make us suffer pretending that things will go our way creates unnecessary stress. Social pressure is deceiving us and we can quickly lose control of our lives without noticing it. To overcome expectations, we must maintain ownership of our choices. Pleasing other people is like chasing a moving target. Everyone has different hopes for you. Social pressure is fluid — people will continually change their expectations toward you. Expectations are an illusion, by trying to please everyone, we end pleasing no one, ourselves included. That’s why most people don’t live the life they want. Everyone feels frustrated and disappointed. Life is like a fragile glass; it will break sooner or later. Rather than expecting things to happen one way, enjoy them for what they are and while they last. That’s why it’s better to expect the unexpected, accept the glass will break. Anticipation is tedious, even when things go as expected, we can’t enjoy unsurprising events. Even the few times we get what we wished for, we cannot be happy either. That’s the problem with anticipation; we experience things before they happen. If what we anticipated doesn’t come true, we feel life is unfair. If it happens, then the lack of surprise makes the actual experience less exciting. The same happens with people as they expect you to behave in a particular way, but when you fail to do so, they get frustrated. If you do please their expectations, they will have new hopes for you. High expectations are not a good influence. People tend to make decisions based on how others expect them to perform. Others can help us raise or lower our bar. Most people try to fulfill other’s expectations to gain respect and appreciation. People who believe in you can inspire you. However, what happens when their intentions don’t align with your desires? How can you stay in charge of your own life? When we throw out expectations onto others, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We experience more peace and contentment when we stop expecting others to be who they’re not. Even if we believe they should “be a certain way,” it’s best to release the expectations altogether. This is where relationships get into trouble, whether parents and children, friends, or intimate partners, expectations bring about a variety of unwanted emotions, particularly unrealistic expectations. When we’re frustrated in a relationship, it’s time to take a look at whether we’re living in a state of expectation of others. Try to do away with expectations, “If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.” Society lives and breathes expectations. There is an expectation on children to act in certain ways, employers to treat staff in a particular manner, relationships to cater to people’s needs, and parents to love their children unreservedly. The problem is, no one can be who we want them to be. They are uniquely themselves and know who they are. They are good being themselves. They want to be confident and comfortable being who they are and if they want to change, they will change on their own terms, not ours. If we try to do away with expectations, may be this will allow us to experience less anxiety, less stress, frustration, anger, depression, and other negative emotions. We can expect things like respect from others, but if we base how we feel on whether we get what we expect, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
We are responsible for our moods and happiness. Sure, it’s easier to live in bliss if everyone around us is behaving in ways pleasing to us, but not everyone will act as we like. Things don’t always go as we plan; it’s just a fact of life. If we can detach from outcomes, we can live peacefully more often. I am not implying we stop caring about others. People sometimes forget and if we can ingrain into our thoughts that: “Whatever he or she does or doesn’t do is not our primary concern. I am detached from outcomes and take full responsibility for my happiness”, we will be more content and peaceful. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. It was the late American poet Maya Angelou who said: “People know themselves much better than you do, that’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” For example, I know of someone in a relationship who expects perfection from their partner. They get upset with their partner when she forgets something, doesn’t get the dishes spotless, leaves a light on, etc. She goes about her life doing the best she can on any day and because her partner expects so much from her, she walks on egg shells and has been struggling with depression. Her partner expects perfection from her and expects her to be someone she is not. They both need to work through this issue or there will be frustration and disappointment in the relationship. If not addressed, it will most likely fail. It’s not easy to let go of expectations. It’s not easy to let others be who they are with their imperfections and idiosyncrasies. It might not be easy, but it is possible. I have read somewhere that it is Buddhist philosophy that emphasizes detaching from desires and outcomes and doing so relieves suffering. What if we went about our day determined to allow happiness to flow through us no matter what anyone else did or didn’t do? There are people who live a happy life, despite what takes place. They have always been an inspiration and we must make it our aim to live the same way. We must make it a priority to allow others to be where they are on their journey. We must try hard not to make judgements how people ought to think or behave. It’s not always easy, but it is possible and it becomes easier with practice. “Set the standard! Stop expecting others to show you love acceptance, commitment, and respect when you don’t even show that to yourself.” Sometimes we think the world should revolve around us, but it’s not all about us and our expectations.
Noor UL Shahbaz,M.A, LL.M (GOLD MEDALIST)Guest Lecturer and former Acting Principal at Sopore Law College, can be reached at im1415151819@gmail.com
