DR FIAZ MAQBOOL FAZILI
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Matchmaking, once a straightforward process based on shared values, family ties, and community connections, has become increasingly complicated in modern times. The search for a suitable spouse has turned into an ordeal for many parents, as traditional values gradually succumb to modern ideals. The criteria for finding a match now emphasize external qualities like looks, lifestyle, and modern thinking rather than character, family background, religious practices or behaviour. This shift, coupled with new challenges in background checks, particularly in drug-affected regions like Jammu and Kashmir (J&K), has created a social tsunami affecting the process of finding a spouse has become increasingly complex. This essay explores these challenges and the ways in which society can overcome this growing social tsunami.
- The Traditional vs. Modernity Conflict
Historically, in societies like Kashmir, family values, social ties, and religious principles guided the process of matchmaking. Parents would seek matches based on a candidate’s character, family background, religious values and social standing were paramount, and families worked together to ensure that marriages were built on solid foundations. However, as society progresses and global influences seep into local cultures, the intrusion of modernity has changed these dynamics. The criteria for selecting a spouse have radically changed. The importance of family background, religious values, and personal integrity is now being sidelined by materialistic concerns such as external appearances, material success, wealth, lifestyle and a superficial sense of freedom are often given priority over traditional virtues
Families following traditional rituals are now facing immense difficulty in finding matches for their children who embody the balance between modern aspirations and traditional values. In one striking case, parents preferred a groom for their daughter who was either living alone or had no family ties, showcasing a disturbing trend where isolation and disconnection from familial roots are seen as desirable traits. Such preferences suggest a shift towards individualism and self-sufficiency, which may appear appealing in modern times but strip away the value of strong familial support systems. This preference for isolated matches is more likely to be found among orphans, further complicating the idea of family unity. - The Obsession with Superficial Qualities:
The current era of social media, celebrity culture, and the globalized exchange of ideas has increased the emphasis on superficial qualities. Families often seek a match based on physical appearance, height, weight, fatty, lean or thin as if they are calculating body mass index (BMI), while neglecting essential characteristics such as emotional maturity, kindness, habits, ,religious practices ,character and commitment. The focus has shifted to presenting a perfect outward image rather than building a solid foundation based on shared values.
For example, boys and girls are now often judged by their sense of fashion, modernity, and free thinking, rather than their educational qualifications, job stability, or potential as mutually caring and sharing understandable partners. This growing trend of prioritizing style over substance has created a superficial culture in matchmaking, leading to marriages that are often built on shallow foundations. Over time, these marriages face difficulties, especially when deeper issues like trust, compatibility, and emotional support come into play. - Shallow Demands in Matchmaking
In the past, families would prioritize finding a match who upheld cultural and religious values, had a stable job, and exhibited good behaviour. Today, these critical factors often take a backseat, which poses a serious risk to the institution of marriage. The danger of superficial criteria dominating the matchmaking process is that it creates unstable relationships where genuine compatibility is overlooked in favour of fleeting attributes like looks or modernity.
One of the most alarming aspects of modern matchmaking is the focus on superficiality.The mismatch of family standards between the families and the greedy demand of separate flat, land, car, dowry (mahr), gifts etc resulted in breaking the imminent relationship even during nikah ceremony. In many cases, boys and girls are increasingly judged based on their physical appearance, height, weight, lean or obese and as if they are calculating (Body Mass Index (BMI). In one of the cases the spouse demanded that the girl should reduce her weight first before the actual marriage date.
This obsession with external looks has taken precedence over assessing one’s character, values, and emotional maturity. The concept of free-thinking and modernity, while valuable in some respects, has become synonymous with the disregard for tradition, character, religious beliefs and family structure. - The Growing Trend of Marrying Abroad.
The worrisome trend of the inclination of families to give their children away to people settled abroad particularly in Western countries. The allure of a better financial future or an exotic lifestyle often overshadows the need to consider deeper factors such as the character of the prospective spouse, their moral integrity, and the potential for long-term compatibility, Families often believe that by marrying their sons or daughters into a foreign land, they are securing a brighter future for them. However, this aspiration can come with its own set of challenges. Once settled in a foreign country, many couples face cultural disconnects, loneliness, and a sense of alienation from their roots. In several cases, after the marriage, families discover that their son-in-law or daughter-in-law was involved in a relationship before marriage, which may continue even after the wedding. In some cases, the job or visa status, position held, written or disclosed was from the reality. The perceived stability of a marriage can quickly crumble when such revelations come to light, leading to heartbreak and sometimes divorce. Such situations often lead to emotional trauma and dissatisfaction for both families.
“All that glitters is not gold always—marrying your children to an NRK (Non-Resident Kashmiri) does not always guarantee a successful and happy marriage. A word of caution: married life abroad is quite different from back home. It involves compromises, and the environment may not feel as homely. From my experience, despite thorough background checks on the eligible candidate and their family, I urge parents to allow the boy and girl to communicate and understand one another. No two people, not even identical twins, share the same attitudes, behaviour’s, actions, or reactions. After performing Istikhara, pray that the relationship is beneficial for both. If the boy and girl do not reach an understanding, it is not the end of the world. Let them part ways respectfully without harming the relationship between the two families.” - Drug Abuse and Its Impact on Matchmaking
With a sharp increase in substance abuse in the region like Jammu and Kashmir, it has become increasingly difficult to conduct proper background checks on potential matches. The drug menace has further muddied the waters in matrimonial choices, as potential matches could have hidden addictions or affiliations with negative influences. Addiction, and its accompanying issues, like dishonesty, irresponsibility, and financial instability, can severely affect the health of a marriage. This adds another layer of complexity, as parents are often left with little information on the true character of the individuals their children are marrying. The issue is compounded by the stigma surrounding drug addiction, making families hesitant to ask direct questions or conduct in-depth background investigations. This lack of transparency can lead to families unwittingly marrying their children into problematic situations. - Modern Relationships and Infidelity
Marriages, once considered sacred unions, are now vulnerable to external threats, such as ongoing relationships outside of marriage, leading to heartbreak and the eventual breakdown of the family unit. In some cases, even after marriage, one or both partners maintain relationships outside the marriage, which were either ongoing before the wedding or developed afterward. The erosion of trust and the increasing normalization of casual relationships have made it difficult for many families to find a spouse who truly values commitment and loyalty. Our society is not yet so modernised to accept such relationship after marriage - The Role of Technology in Matchmaking:
On reviewing various cases, I could find the traditional middle man /woman(had exaggerated or given false information).The advent of online matchmaking platforms and dating apps has further complicated the traditional process. While these platforms provide a broader pool of potential candidates, they also pose risks. Profiles on these platforms are often curated to present the best possible image, making it difficult to discern the authenticity of a match. Furthermore, the anonymity of these platforms allows people to hide critical aspects of their lives, such as previous relationships, financial status, or even substance abuse issues. The increased reliance on technology has distanced families from the more personal process of matchmaking, where parents and elders used to play a significant role in verifying the character and background of a prospective match. - Navigating the Social Tsunami: Finding Solutions
To overcome other growing challenges in matchmaking, society needs to return to its roots while adapting to modern realities. Here are several ways to navigate the complexities of modern matchmaking: Parents and children alike must recognize the importance of character, values, and family background over external attributes like looks, fashion, and social status. The focus should be on finding partners with whom one can build a meaningful, lasting relationship. The importance of family support in marriages should not be underestimated. Rather than seeking spouses who are isolated from their families, parents should encourage unions where both families can provide support and guidance to the couple. Society needs to reinforce the value of loyalty, trust, and commitment in marriages. Open conversations about the importance of faithfulness, both before and after marriage, can help prevent the erosion of these values in the younger generation. While marrying into foreign countries is a growing trend, families must consider the cultural compatibility of a match. Ensuring that both partners share similar values and a connection to their cultural roots can help prevent the emotional isolation that many couples face abroad. - Proper Background Checks in regions affected by issues like drug abuse, is crucial for families on potential matches. This may involve community-level investigations, seeking recommendations from trusted individuals, mutual relatives, friends, batch mates , office colleagues ,neighbours or working with professional services whatever possible should be explored to verify someone’s character.
Matchmaking in today’s world is fraught with challenges, from the erosion of traditional values to the rising importance of superficial qualities and the growing complexity of conducting background checks in regions like Jammu and Kashmir. The influence of modernity, the risks of drug abuse, and the prevalence of premarital relationships further complicate the process of finding a suitable match. However, by emphasizing core values such as character, family support, and cultural compatibility, society can navigate this social tsunami and ensure that the next generation of marriages is built on strong, lasting foundations.
The Author besides being a Medical doctor at Mubarak hospital , is very active in positive perception management of various moral, social and religious issues. He can be reached at drfiazfazili@gmail.com & twitter
