Has the “ Adjust and Compromise” principle taken back foot with successful marriage rather than divorce?
Despite the commonly held misconception that marriages are made in heaven , are breaking like biscuits in Kashmir, we still have the lowest rate of divorce in the world because of the tedious and demoralising process of divorce that encourages “adjustment and compromise” writes Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
The rising divorce rate in the modest society of Kashmir, traditionally known for its God-fearing and sacrificial values, is a complex issue with multiple contributing factors. Despite the absence of official records, it is clear that divorce has become increasingly common. This phenomenon can be attributed to a variety of social, cultural, and personal reasons. Here, after interacting with separated couples, trying to understand where things go wrong, we delve into the burning emotions chapter on key factors influencing the increasing divorce rate in Kashmir and explore where things may have gone wrong. Several factors contribute to this trend
Failure to Adjust and Compromise:
One of the fundamental aspects of a successful marriage is the ability to adjust and compromise, at least for children if they have any. Sometimes childless couples, despite accessibility to IVF techniques in many marriages, the inability to adapt to changing circumstances and compromise can lead to discord. This failure often stems from rigid expectations and a lack of communication between spouses. Marriages often falter when expectations are rigid and when partners are unwilling or unable to meet halfway. This lack of flexibility can create a persistent strain on the relationship, leading to an eventual breakdown.
Ego Issues and Resilience. Tolerance and resilience in a marriage requires both partners to navigate /weather challenges together and find strength in unity but ego problems can hinder this process. When one or both partners adopt an attitude of superiority—believing /claiming “I am better”—it undermines the humility and humbleness necessary for a harmonious relationship for working collaboratively, leading to conflict. Such attitudes can lead to power struggles and a lack of mutual respect, which are detrimental to marital stability
Argumentative Behaviour: The manner in which couples handle disagreements is crucial to the health of their marriage. In Kashmir, like elsewhere, argumentative behaviour can erode the foundation of a relationship. When spouses are constantly at odds and no one is willing to observe silence or cool down during conflicts, the relationship becomes strained. The principle of not wanting to feel low or backing down in an argument often exacerbates conflicts, leading to unresolved issues and growing resentment which sadly terminates into separation
Gender Roles and The Role of Working Women Working Women: The rise of working women has brought significant changes in traditional gender roles. While economic independence can empower women and contribute to household income it can also create friction if there is a lack of mutual respect and understanding of each other’s roles and responsibilities. Traditional expectations may clash with modern realities, leading to conflicts over roles and responsibilities. This dynamic can be particularly challenging in a society where traditional gender norms are deeply entrenched.
Living in Joint Families: Joint family living, once the norm to offer support especially for working couples, has now become a source of tension for many couples. The collective lifestyle, which requires sharing resources and living space, can clash with the modern desire for privacy and autonomy. Younger couples may find it difficult to navigate the demands of a joint family while maintaining their own relationship, leading to dissatisfaction and conflicts. The pressures of living in a joint family can become overwhelming, especially if there is a lack of understanding and cooperation.
Interference from In-Laws: The undesired involvement of in-laws can sometimes strain a marriage, particularly in joint family setups., the lack of clear boundaries and the involvement of extended family members in the couple’s affairs can lead to conflicts. Issues are tackled with understanding from our old traditional set of rules in joint family, and mindset of “obedience is an order,” has to be understood in true reality versus unrealistic expectation’ zone there is a red line to be drawn nowadays “bride are educated and self-dependant financially.
Cultural and Social Changes: As Kashmiri society modernizes; traditional values and practices are being challenged. The influence of global culture, changing social norms, and increased exposure to different lifestyles have created a sense of identity crisis for many individuals. The erosion of traditional values and the adoption of more individualistic attitudes can contribute to marital instability This cultural shift can lead to conflicts in marital relationships, as couples struggle to balance traditional expectations with modern aspirations.
Lack of Proper Communication: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. In many cases, the lack of open, honest communication about needs, expectations, and grievances leads to misunderstandings and resentment. In Kashmir, where societal norms may discourage open discussions about personal issues, couples may struggle to communicate effectively. This communication gap can prevent the resolution of conflicts and lead to a buildup of unresolved issues, ultimately causing the relationship to deteriorate
Economic Pressures: Financial stress can strain a marriage. The pressure to maintain a certain standard of living, coupled with economic uncertainties, can lead to frequent disputes. Financial stress is a significant factor that can strain a marriage. In a region where economic uncertainties are prevalent, the pressure to maintain a certain standard of living can lead to frequent disputes. Issues such as unemployment, underemployment, and financial instability can create significant stress for couples. The inability to meet financial expectations and the resulting arguments can erode the foundation of the marriage.
Health Issues: Unaddressed physical or mental health issues can have a profound impact on a marriage. Depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and other conditions can lead to a lack of emotional connection and understanding between spouses. In Kashmir, where mental health awareness and resources may be limited, couples may struggle to cope with these challenges. The stigma associated with mental health issues can also prevent individuals from seeking help, further exacerbating the problem.
Social Stigma and Changing Norms: The social stigma around divorce is slowly diminishing, leading more couples to opt for separation rather than endure an unhappy marriage. Changing societal norms also play a role in this shift. The increasing acceptance of divorce as a viable option reflects a shift in societal attitudes. While this can be seen as progress, it also indicates a departure from traditional values that emphasized enduring and working through marital challenges.
The Role of Education and Upbringing.
Educational programs, parental upbringing especially religious and awareness campaigns can play a crucial role in addressing the rising divorce rate. By educating young people about the realities of marriage, including the importance of compromise, resilience, and effective communication, society can better prepare individuals for successful relationships. Additionally, promoting mental health awareness and providing accessible resources can help couples navigate the challenges of marriage more effectively. While not part of any curriculum, . I remember Bahishti Zewar( Heavenly Ornaments by Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi) was often read by young women in their homes, especially after they got married . At one time, the book of instruction was an essential part of a bride’s trousseau.
Despite these challenges, it is crucial to recognize that divorce rates, while reportedly increasing, might not be accurately reflected due to the lack of comprehensive records. In many cases, the fear of social stigma and the desire to maintain a facade of a happy marriage can prevent couples from officially registering their separation.
What Can Be Done?
Strengthening Communication: Couples should be encouraged to engage in open, honest communication about their feelings and issues. Counselling services can play a vital role in this regard.
Pre-Marital Counselling: Offering pre-marital counselling even from parents can help couples understand each other’s expectations and prepare for the challenges of married life.
Support Systems: Establishing support systems within the community, including counseling centers and support groups, can provide couples with the necessary resources to navigate marital challenges.
Pre-marital and marital counselling can help couples understand each other’s expectations and prepare for the complexities of married life. By offering guidance and support, these resources can help couples develop the skills needed to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships
Educational Programs: Educating young people about the realities of marriage, including religious stressing the importance of compromise and resilience, can prepare them for future relationships.
Promoting Health Awareness: Addressing health issues especially mental through awareness programs and accessible mental health services can improve the overall well-being of individuals and their relationships.
Respect for Autonomy: Encouraging respect for each other’s autonomy and personal space, especially in joint family settings, can help mitigate conflicts. Respect for Autonomy and Personal Space
In joint family settings, encouraging respect for each other’s autonomy and personal space can help mitigate conflicts. Establishing clear boundaries and fostering a culture of mutual respect can create a more harmonious living environment. By balancing the benefits of joint family support with the need for individual autonomy, couples can navigate the complexities of living in extended family arrangements.
Financial Literacy and Management
Encouraging financial literacy and effective financial management can reduce economic pressures and related conflicts in marriages. By helping couples understand how to manage their finances, save for the future, and navigate economic challenges, society can mitigate one of the significant stressors that contribute to marital discord. Financial stability can provide a solid foundation for a healthy and enduring marriage.
The rising divorce rate in Kashmir is a multifaceted issue with roots in social, cultural, economic, and personal factors. Understanding and addressing the root causes of marital discord is essential to fostering healthier relationships and reducing the divorce rate in Kashmir’s traditionally God-fearing society. While the society is traditionally God-fearing and inclined to sacrifice, modern challenges have created significant strains on marital relationships. Addressing these challenges requires a comprehensive approach that includes education, awareness, support systems, and a shift in societal attitudes. By fostering resilience, promoting effective communication, and supporting mental health and financial stability, Kashmiri society can work towards reducing the divorce rate and strengthening the institution of marriage.
The Author besides being a medical doctor at Mubarak hospital , is very active in positive perception management of various moral, social and religious issues. He can be reached at drfiazfazili@gmail.com & twitter
