Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
The Shifting Sands of Social Norms
Societies are never static. Norms that once appeared eternal often fade, replaced by new values shaped by time, economy, and culture. This transformation is not limited to politics, economy, or lifestyle—it penetrates the most intimate of human bonds: the relationship between husband and wife. What was once unthinkable—divorce in the later years of life—is now emerging as a significant social phenomenon.
The term “Gray Divorce”—popularized in the West—refers to marital separations among couples over fifty. A phenomenon once thought to be confined to developed nations has begun to resonate even in conservative societies like ours. Kashmir, historically rooted in joint families and collective traditions, is now quietly witnessing this trend.
From Joint Families to Nuclear Lives:
I often recall my grandparents’ home at ZainaKadal Srinagar , about thirty people men, women, children with different temperament, behaviours , would live under a single roof What bound them together was not just personal choice but the authority of the joint family system. Meals, festivals, marriages mournings and family gatherings were communal. The weight of family tradition was far greater than the weight of individual preference. Although if I look at it through sharia prism it was not sharia compliant as Muharram and non Muharram were living together without requisite purdah system
But with time, conservative Kashmir—like much of the world—transitioned. The joint family weakened. The nuclear household, with its own bedroom, attached bathroom, and the idea of couple-centered privacy, became the social norm. One would think such physical proximity and emotional space would strengthen marriages. Yet paradoxically, it is in this era of closeness that we are beginning to hear the echoes of gray divorce.
The Kashmir Shift: From Rare to Rising:
Traditionally, divorce in Kashmir was rare,condemned —so rare that even whispering about it was scandalous. Today, not a day passes when we hear about it the queues outside family courts and even religious arbitration centers tell a different story. It is not just recently married young couples; middle-aged and older spouses are quietly seeking exits from marriages that no longer sustain them.
Even when couples do not formalize separation due to the stigma attached, many resort to silent withdrawals. They live under one roof but occupy different rooms. The living room turns into a cold corridor—either a battleground of quarrels or a space of frozen silence. The children are worst suffers of those late might fights . The tolerance level has decreased , sacrifice, coexistence has taken back seat , ego has driven us too farc.This “soft gray divorce” may not carry a legal stamp, but it represents the same emotional disengagement.
Why Now? The Causes of Gray Divorce
The Stigma Weakens:
While divorce is an option allowed by legal or sharia still seen as a disgrace in our society, the stigma has weakened. What was once unthinkable is now tolerated, if not openly accepted. Silence no longer guarantees survival of relationships.
Empty Nests, Empty Bonds:
Children have traditionally been the glue holding marriages together. But once children leave home—pursuing education or jobs in other cities or countries—the absence reveals the fragile core. Couples who spent decades suppressing differences for the sake of family now find themselves face-to-face with strangers.
Social Pressure Loosens:
Earlier, society norms and rituals itself kept couples tied together. Relatives, neighbors, even local clerics played the role of watchmen over marital stability. With urbanization, mobility, modernisation and weakening of community bonds, this pressure has lost its grip.Some people link such behaviours as a deleterious effect of family drama serials mostly female centric a popular past time of many couples.
Women’s Economic Independence:
Perhaps the most decisive factor is women’s financial empowerment. In our mother or grandmother’s era, divorce was unimaginable not just for social but for economic reasons. Today, education and employment give women dignity, independence, and courage. They no longer accept the philosophy of endless sacrifice. If mental peace is disturbed, if respect is eroded, they now choose dignity over endurance.
Changing Expectations:
Marriage is no longer seen as a lifelong arrangement sustained by tolerance and cobexistence . It is increasingly viewed as a partnership of mutual respect and emotional fulfillment. Where this fails, couples—men and women alike—seek exits, even in their fifties and sixties.We have heard noted hollywood, bolly wood or toll y wood celebrities separating after twenty thirty years of married life.
The Western Mirror:
The phenomenon of gray divorce did not emerge overnight. In the United States, the divorce rate among people above fifty has doubled since the 1990s. Europe too reflects similar trends. The reasons—longer life expectancy, shifting gender roles, and greater emphasis on individual happiness—resonate with what we are slowly witnessing in Kashmir.
Our society may appear traditional, but the winds of global change inevitably seep in. From social media to economic migration, from education to exposure, Kashmiri households are no longer insulated. The Western mirror is becoming our reflection.
Remedies: Can Marriages Be Saved?
Though gray divorce may be gaining ground, it is neither inevitable nor always desirable. The question is: what can be done to prevent marriages from crumbling in later life?
Early Communication and Early counselling :
Most marital discord is the result of years of suppressed grievances, unresolved issues on tolerance , unnecessary interferences or priorties and preferences set by a spouse on each other .Couples must cultivate the art of honest communication early, not when children have left home. Silence may delay conflict, but it also deepens distance.
Redefining Roles:
As society evolves, so must marital roles. Men must learn to see wives as partners, not dependents two wheels of a stable bicycle. Women must balance empowerment with empathy. Equality, not domination, is the key.
Marriage Counseling and Mediation:
In Kashmir, marriage counseling is either absent or stigmatized. Yet, it can serve as a lifeline. Neutral counselors or trusted elders can help couples navigate differences before they calcify.
Community Awareness:
We need to normalize dialogue around marital struggles. Family courts and religious institutions should not only process divorces but also promote reconciliation where possible. Sermons, social campaigns, and community discussions must highlight the value of companionship and respect.
Spiritual and Ethical Anchoring
Our religious and ethical traditions emphasize patience, compassion, and forgiveness. These values must be revived—not as chains of compulsion but as guiding lights. A marriage rooted in faith and mutual kindness has greater resilience.
The Way Forward: Dignity Above All:
Divorce at any age is painful. At fifty or sixty, it can be devastating—financially, emotionally, and socially. Yet, clinging to a toxic marriage is equally destructive. The challenge is to strike a balance between endurance and dignity.
We must acknowledge that the institution of marriage is changing. It can no longer survive on the crutches of stigma, fear, or blind tolerance. Respect, empathy, companionship, and shared purpose are the only sustainable foundations.
For couples who can reconcile, effort and counseling should be encouraged. For those who cannot, separation must be handled with dignity, not hostility. Especially at an age when peace of mind matters most, bitter divorces only multiply suffering.
Pick and Choose : The Echo of a Changing Society:
Gray divorce is not merely about broken homes; it is a mirror reflecting our changing society. From joint families to nuclear homes, from silent endurance to vocal individualism, from stigma to acceptance—each shift is reshaping the fabric of marriage.
For Kashmir, the lesson is clear. We cannot ignore this rising trend as a Western import. It is already here, quietly transforming our households. The choice before us is stark: either continue watching marriages erode silently or consciously rebuild a culture of communication, respect, and support that prevents homes from collapsing in later life.
Divorce may sometimes be the only path left, but marriage—when nurtured with dignity and dialogue—remains one of the most sacred bonds in our social and spiritual life. The way forward lies not in clinging to outdated norms, but in building relationships that can endure the tests of time with grace.
The Author is a Surgeon at Mubarak hospital, Healthcare policy analyst, Certified Professional in Quality improvement in Hospitals can be reached at drfiazfazili@gmail.com
